Nothing new to pen so dredging up an old one for ya’ll from my teendom.

How I almost became a coquette and got sucked into the lives of BB and her hubby..

My mom’s pal BB (BIG take your pick for the second B) had a problem she has a hubby who loves her deeply. But BB just tolerated him. His show of love irritated her no end- but luckily for her he came home only every 6 months. The man was away at sea and she secretly hoped some Moby Dick will pop up and entice him into doing a Captain Ahab and would take him on a whale hunt for all eternity.

BB seems weird right? Well she is but then she was one of them late bloomers if you know what I mean. BB discovered with age she became the darling of younger men everywhere. She became a toy boy magnet. Wherever she went she got hit on by them young’uns who zeroed-in on her for some mature love.

BB on her part realized late that she’s got oomph and mastered coquetry watching some good old Bollywood movie videos. I have seen her several times with a bag full of video cassettes and she did poojas to the divas of celluloid and discovered its all in the practice. Each time I went there I was looked upon as hairy wart if you get my drift.

I was for a brief time to be kept under BB’s wings to be initiated into feminine ways by the orders of none other than by my mom. Oh yes women with tomboy daughters who dressed shabby-chic in my teen days were a worried lot. They would go into extremes to see their wards girl-like. So, I was made to arch my back, pull in my tummy, cross my legs and do Mona lisa smiles etc by BB.

BB remains, I presume, one of the last of those women who actually dresses up. But, each time Ahab returned from the high seas BB got panicky she’d tell my mom she endured his love for the first few days and then found excuses to be out of the house. But, wherever she went the young’uns would follow. Soon Ahab got wind of his wife’s antics and decided to teach her a lesson. Before I could think about it in detail he enlisted me in his endeavor.  

I was asked to gush and bat my eyelids at Ahab each time he appeared and to do all my back-arching and Mona lisa smiles at him. So there I was suddenly the best student ever and trying out all coquetry on Ahab. BB noticed all this in a flash she was shocked to say the least! She fretted and fumed and for the first time in her life, felt the niggling tugs of jealousy attack her.

What could this girl see in her Ahab she thought! Could he actually be desirable to women? Puzzled she gave him the look and saw for the first time her uncut diamond in all his glory. Ahab had by now realized he can keep his late-bloomer wife only if he ignored her a little. While Ahab lavished attention on me and taught me how to make reef knots and what not, smiling most angelically, BB discovered love for her man.

It goes without saying that in a few days I became the hairy wart once again while Ahab and BB did Helen numbers for the rest of their lives, at least that’s what I believe they are doing even now some where on this planet. Oh well I like happy endings. ;) Here's a toast to the Don Juans and sex pots in each one of you!!!

My star power is waning - I'm losing my thunder and there I was thinking I need bouncers to keep guys away from me! So much for self-importance! THUD!!!! THUD!!! That's me on the hard ground! You may ask why? It seems I now attract the wrong gropers and pass-makers!!! So much for Marylin dreams!

I got groped in the rear at a party recently by some weird stranger who did not even look good! Few days before this an over sixty-year-old man married into the family made a pass at me! Feel dowdy and unsexy on the brink of this new year!

So my wish to myself and all of you out there - let the most divine people grope you and may the dishiest people make passes at you and may you make lovely passes and divine gropes to the right people this coming year!

Peace! Grope grope and good cheer to all you guys! ;)

I'm surfing Iland these days incognito  - no new post and not enough time to comment, so I’m busy favoriting Ilands, intending to go back to comment! However, I am incognito mainly becasue of them err... Youtubers! Oh yes you've seen them - Iland is being taken over by them Youtubers! You must be blind if you did not notice them song-and-dance posts! You never know when in random Ilanding you end up on their page, all heralding yourself as a prospective-commenting-reader and BAM! Before you know there is a PLAY sign and a song for you to listen!

Ssssssssscary is the word!  You cannot run, you cannot hide and they are waiting for your comment on their songs! Sticky sticky situation! Don’t get me wrong them songs are usually good and something you’ll probably remember and wanna hum – but you are not always ready to comment on them! Phew!!! There I said it and I'll be damned to youtube hell!

Rediff chieftains are also promoting them and giving them homepage and what not, so I may be wrong and this is a newfound way to blog and maybe people do like it. But, the kinds like me are caught unawares! Not erudite enough to comment on music and wanting to read a VT or Dilip or Madhavan or an FG, but instead you are speechless at  these Youtubing ilands! Hence, I’m incognito!!! I’m too chicken for this!

Well, I have to admit, offline and incognito these Youtubers are delightful and can make you happy on a dry boring day in the hammock with nothing important to ponder about. So here’s my collective “thankyou” to all the youtubers mushrooming all over our Iland! I do enjoy the occasional song and dance on Iland and GAWD bless you all!

By the way, my Rekha dreams are now being focused on Iland men and all the guys in my favorites and a few others are all candidates for the time being! Let me end with a special come-hither look to all you fabulous Iland male writers out there! Three cheers to the written word – hip hip …. HURRAY! ;)

Guess what guys, I finally get Rekha - Oh yes the actress Rekha! The same one who loves a man she cannot have or will never have no more! But then she is in love and glowing always and the woman gets bolder and crazier in love each year! But, she’s got it right - a man to love for all eternity, a man who is never there but tantalizingly around always in the mind, quite like our own one-sided crushes of yore!

The feeling lingers and if you develop it in your mind one can finally be happy in love forever!!! A love-for-keeps ya'll! And you do get a lot in this Rekhaesque situation. In your mind he is forever understanding and gentle and romantic and playful. Says the right things, is never condescending and no annoying habits to put up with either!

Hmmm sounds like a workable plan for me and I will from now on obsess about a cricketer or movie star someone I'll never actually meet and make him the ultimate lover in my mind. Howzaaaaaaaaat ya’ll? I’ll do a Rekha and still have my life and that includes dating real men too on the side. ;)

Can’t quite decide on pirate Capt. Jack Sparrow (A clarification - not Johnny Depp but Jack Sparrow) or Dhoni. Jack’s probably more fun to be with. AAAAAAAaaaaaargh!! Life’s toughest choices to be made as I swing in my hammock this Saturday… Oh well… maybe I’ll have them both… after all I’m the one who will make them what they are!

P.S. I never claimed to be sane and can’t help it the family has a loony streak or is it a case of an empty mind being a devil’s workshop? Well you decide ;)

If any of you wondered where I was since my last post, I have to say, I was very much at home with all the elders around and with many of them NRI blood relatives swooping down! Well you know what happens when people arrive - suddenly your home, your space, your sanctuary is invaded. Its a war-zone. My older cousins and their families arrived for a reunion of sorts.

5 kids running around the place is no joke and I was assigned to maintain peace. But my biggest discovery about kids these days, and brace yourself - is that kids flirt with one another all the time. I swear upon the swing of my hammock that lil 2 yr-olds and above...Oh yes them - the one-digit-age wonders are always flirting with one another these days.

Cousin Junk-food"s daughter, all of 6 yrs Ms Bratz, is very heavily into Barbie, Bratz and Dora and is a born celebrity. She can do a mean pout and expert shy eyes glances like a diva. So she did all this to her 9-yr-old cuz Dimple-boy (my other cousin Serpent-hair"s son). Dimple-boy is no innocent one either he has had a new girlfriend who sits with him on the bus every year in all his long nine years on this planet. Inhibition is not their forte I’m afraid, ;) and so when I got back one day Ms Bratz announced Dimple-boy kissed her!!!

I was shocked to say the least I never got kissed so young and that too on the lips… hmmmph.... time to play spoil sport… After carefully broaching the subject with some reverse psychology and other crafty tactics I saw the baby-whisperer err or was it the dog whisperer do on Discovery Travel and living – my mom’s favourite channel, and by going down to her bratty level I got the whole story.

They played in the new tent shaped like a castle in the lawn and for some reason known only to Dimple-boy, he took a toy gun and shot Bratz.She being the nascent drama-queen that she is, decided to play dead and dropped to the ground. But Dmple-boy, an astute swashbuckling hero as he sees himself as, with some uber cool moves managed to scoop Ms bratz before she reached the grass!

Ah the stage is set!  Ms Bratz all of six years saw herself a princess, a Snowwhite cum Sleeping Beauty mutant and decided dimple-boy had saved her and kissed him in gratitude. He kissed her right back and so… they kissed!!! I tell you!!! What are kids watching these days and what the hell happened to me and why didn’t I get kissed that early….

But I digress... so appalled and jealous I was that I decided to moral police them  and my days were spent jumping at them whenever they were alone. The two even took over my hammock to tell secrets to one another. The more I policed them the more they whispered and there I was screaming “ you two are cousin brother and sis” not girlfriend and boy friend” I was morphing into aunt Agatha! Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!

The thought jolted me and made me realize, that this is way over my head. So with some clever maneuvering I handed over the worry to the concerned parents in a very casual manner… “Oh by the way your girl thinks she’s a princess and she will kiss all boys who save her in her imaginary game and as for you - your boy loves to save lil girls who think they are princesses! Good luck!”

That was it ..... the two sets of parents no more enjoyed their flirty kids’ mannerism and some good Indian-style slapping did the trick I was told! All’s well with the world now and no one I know is getting kissed by the age of six! Na ah... no way not when I missed my chance!!! ;)

I’m back to swinging in my hammock, reading Wodehouse and generally lazing around and gently enjoying the rains and swingin’…When my pal Hee-haw phoned up asking me to log in on Gtalk! Reason - he lives in a land far away and was interested in finding out where I lived! So there I was propped up on cushions, in my hammock laptop switched on, chat window open all ready to give him directions!

I tell you this and mark my words ya’ll - them Google guys will rule the world one day! They are as strong as Gawd!!! They are everywhere and they are watching you! First Hee-haw showed me where he lived and he lived in far-off land which did look like Lord Emsworth's rolling acres - a green carpet with little white spots which were actually houses.

I had to satisfy myself with that and was quite smug thinking with our population and houses and all, there is no way my place could be identified. However, going thru the google map thru the maze of clouds over India and zooming into my town in the hybrid pic in the map I was in for a surprise! Eeeeeeeeeeek!!! There's a giant sign in the picture and it was pointing right in to my balcony where I was swingin in my hammock!!!

OMG I screamed I’m the Holy Grail !!! This is some fuckin Da Vinci Code... this is a trail in the sky!!! OMG could I be the grand prize to something larger than life - that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Years from now some one will zoom in and see the giant arrow pointing to my house and crown me queen!!!

Screeeeeeeeeech... but hey me holy? Nah!!! Don’t mommas around here point me out to their teens and threaten them with dire consequences of becoming me - the harlot, who smokes and swings openly on the balcony never leaving home and getting respectable and legal with a guy? Oh ya that's me - I corrupt one and all impressionable ones around. Right!!! THUD!!! Back to ground Zero… this is no holy grail it’s a giant sign in the sky - its the Harlot’s Trail!

The giant arrow in the sky is a new building nearby - a fancy schmancy apartment building with a fancy schmancy pool in a longish triangular building that pointed straight to my balcony! Imagine this, a reddish triangular building with a blue rectangle pool with an arrow head pointing right at my balcony!

Can it get any more specific? Yikes!!! I’m a sitting duck they are using them google maps and constructing buildings to point me out! Guess my black-magic pretend games of yore were all believed!

But then again, maybe its just a sign pointing me out to all the OOs I intend to make and have made! Yeh thats it! Phew!!! Hee-Haw was happy there was a convenient sign to my abode and promised to pass it on to all and sundry who wanted to know where I live!

So, if you see a giant red and blue arrow in the google map of your locality - that’s where I am ya’ll and that’s’ me there in the balcony if you walk by. Watch me swingin in my hammock smoking some good old Gold Flakes imagining and weaving tales of self-importance to amuse myself - Hi guys!

Exploring relationships past, present and future and I’m still a maze inside – a convoluted maze and have come to realize you don’t really need a man these days… well you do need a man sometimes. Button Nose felt the pangs…  
 

Well some clever gadgets are quite nifty in these departments I’m told and sometimes even better than the real thing! So all ye unhitched females or females who have no love or relationships – all is not lost! Online affairs and a good gadget and one is set for life methinks!

Only for a woman online affairs are just as meaningful as a real one – tis all emotions and we have tones of that and its great when you are in the initial throes of ecstasy says my pal Vix. Vix short for Vixen tired of the insensitive men she habitually zeroed in on decided to go for an online one and her experiences have forced me to write this.

She went into a chat room and called herself Jolie – Halle Berry claims to enjoy visiting chat rooms calling herself “Halle Berry” and of course no one ever guesses she is the real deal. Vix a.ka. Jolie was within two minutes hounded with requests for friendship.

Weeding out the downright lechers took a good week or two she quipped. Then she got into blogging on Orkut and became a regular blogger and got down to chatting to fellow male bloggers. She hit the jackpot!!!

Reading new blogger women and their intial reticence and then the metamorphosis into online social butterflies has fascinated me. In blogdom women tend to lose some of their inhibitions quickly. Even the mousiest of women become vixens in no time! The traditional housewife blossoms into a real woman and enjoys chatting and blogging intelligently and making so many connections with other men.

A good writer like our own VT - a prime example of brains and humour is divine enough to corrupt! Watchout VT chuckle chuckle – however his humour and acerbic posts make him a tad scary to approach! He also reeks of good sense and hence remains safe! 

By the way all you great writers (males) better watchout many of you are on my favs – Women wanna corrupt you I certainly do! However, for now I care too much about your writing!

Vix is so busy on Orkut these days and ends up in online relationships with married men and even twenty-year olds and is living a full life. But, believe me you she says being the online other woman is just as tough as the real deal!!! More stories of hers and others in future posts till then enjoy your online life!

PS. I don't wanna corrupt anyne yet... I end up liking the good writers and they become buddies tch tch tch... poor poor me!

To all the guys and the clingy females they moved on to here's what I have to say...

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every breath you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Every move you make
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Ill be watching you
Ill be watching you
Ill be watching you
Ill be watching you...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Anyway "The Police" said it better and Sting sang it great!!! And I'm back to being me and I'm watching all you clingy gals now!!!

The art of wooing a guy for keeps I’m told is to be learnt! While wit, intelligence and beauty, not necessarily in that particular order, may help you win a guy you may lose him if you don’t know the art of .... drum roll please... CLINGING. Yes, that’s the one thing that a lot of logical no-nonsense men want from their woman I’m told.

So, herein is the problem for some women like moi who have had years of protective mechanism in place from showing our weaker side as we perceive it to be. Before you know it – lo behold - you have forgotten how to express it without looking raw and scared! Yikes!!!

If it is your intelligence that won a man he likes the cat and mouse play of one-upmanship - the dance if you may call it -Playing-hard-to-get is fine in this context for quite a long time – till u hit the plateaus that every relationship when it takes the turn for the worse or the stable or the comfortable.

Now if it is your beauty methinks the plateaus come quicker if not matched with wit and intelligence. So, like most women the men too feel the need to be wanted, needed and made to feel adored and all that.

That’s when the art of clinginess has to be brought forth at the right time as the plateaus begin. Believe you me it is an art and not every one can do it to the best of its abilities. But several clever women know the right words to say at the right time and before you know it the male is happy he is king - his woman needs him and there is an upswing in the relationship again.

I’m polishing up this act these days – a bit of self-psychoanalysis with the help of two or three wise relationship experts I’ve been diagnosed - I don’t have a clingy side or at least I don’t show it. This by any standards is the best diagnosis I got ever and I agree. So here I am practicing my pout, and saying all those feminine things good clingy women do to turn the plateaus into upswings you'll never know when it comes with the next guy I meet – my problem area people! Fingers crossed for the new and improved clingy me!!!